The fifth step of Alcoholics Anonymous asks recovering alcoholics to admit to God, to themselves, and to another human being the exact nature of their wrongs. You have to have a lot of integrity to make this kind of admission. But let’s forget about you for a minute and consider the guy who has to listen to all this stuff. He’s the real hero of the fifth step.
You need a lot of integrity to hear a fifth step. You may have no idea what you’re going to hear. If you’re also in recovery, you have to continue to practice all the other principles of recovery. It’s not like you get time off from your own program just because someone has asked you to listen to their fifth step. In fact, hearing someone’s fifth step—or any time someone shares something intimate with you—is probably the time it’s most important to be spiritually fit and on your best behavior. You certainly don’t want to judge. You also don’t want to find yourself getting so caught up advocating for a certain outlook or perspective that you inhibit whatever good work a Higher Power might be doing in someone else’s life. You have to be clear in your own mind that recovery only happens when the person who is sharing their story is ready to make whatever leap is required of them. You can’t get anyone else sober. You can’t force anyone to act with integrity. Recovery is absolutely an inside job.
These are the things I was thinking as I wrote this part. Certainly there is a lot of questionable behavior in this chapter. I cover every sort of dubious conduct from sleeping with newcomers, to judging the old timers, to dragging my feet on my child support obligations. None of that matters. I hope that doesn’t sound too glib. Of course, acting with integrity is important to recovery. These days I try to offer something helpful to the newcomers, to be respectful to the old timers (especially the ones who get under my skin), and to follow through on my obligations. But in this chapter I wanted to show how my sponsor’s unconditional love and acceptance of who I actually was early in my recovery helped me to see the role I played in becoming the person I wanted to be. And that is to say that my part in acting with integrity is this: I am solely responsible for all my behavior. All of it. But I can’t imagine how I would have been able to make that connection without my sponsor’s unconditional love and support.
My favorite part of this chapter is that it ends with my nervous admission to the dorm manager all my failings, a sort of pseudo fifth step. I’ve always been struck by the irony of how simple it was to get a room at the dorm. I tried all sorts of slick maneuvers and none of it panned out. In the end, I just needed to be honest. Ask for what I needed.
Reading group questions for Chapter 5:
- What might be the benefit of admitting one’s wrongs to another human being? Why not just keep your wrongs to yourself?
- The DOPEFIEND tells his sponsor, Roger, about the trysts with the newcomers in the crosstown meeting. At first Roger objects to this behavior, but the DOPEFIEND isn’t ready to hear this criticism, so Roger changes his tact and takes a “wait and see” approach. Is Roger acting with integrity by offering this kind of support to the DOEPFIEND?
- Discussing his behavior with the newcomer from the cross town meeting, the DOPEFIEND says he feels judged by Roger. He becomes combative, defending his decisions. When Roger decides to accept the DOPEFIEND’s behavior with a “wait and see” attitude, the DOPEFIEND immediately feels discomfort. He says his “confidence crumbles.” What is the relationship between Roger’s “wait and see” attitude and the responsibility for what happens next? Why is this important?
- A lot of the questionable behavior in this chapter is mirrored in an ambivalent light by at least one other character. For example, Rose doesn’t seem to mind the afternoon trysts with the DOPEFIEND. A girl from Hunter College reports that all the girls get dorm rooms by exaggerating scandalous circumstances. Dean Bernstein asks Leo to use inside connections to get the DOPEFIEND a coveted room at the dorm. Who is the ultimate arbiter of acting with integrity? How is this important to recovery?